It Gets Better

At least, I hope it does. Memorial Day weekend I had a mini meltdown and that sort of spilled over into the greater household. A tough week followed and last weekend wasn't really any easier. I felt like a Hank Williams song.

Even when the pressure began to lessen as this week progressed I still found myself channeling my Inner Mr. Darcy - who, to quote Miss Elizabeth Bennet was "of an unsocial, taciturn disposition, unwilling to speak, unless we expect to say something that will amaze the whole room, and be handed down to posterity with all the eclat of a proverb.”

Whence my continued bloglessness. 

And as I've tried to work my way through this without, you know, weeping in my cereal or at county meetings, I've suddenly realized that, while I have some legitimate issues stressing me out - most of which are not fare for public consumption - the habit of trying to make Everything Come Out Alright has prompted me to pick up burdens that aren't even mine and toss them onto my back.

As if I've been gathering party favors for a Pity Party.

I think it's time for a pow wow with TheBrains. So you two ... what's going on?

RIGHT BRAIN:  Ahh Ahh Ahh  TheBudget! TheElections! TheCommittee! TheBook! SummerReading! TheBoard! TheHusband! FatFatFat! AIIEEEEE!  It's all going to crash down into a conflagration and anyone who survives will be living in
After the world is left devastated by a vampire pandemic in Jim Mickle's impressive low-budget post-apocalyptic thriller, the survivors are forced to wander a devastated US landscape dodging religious fantastics and bloodthirsty monsters who will stop at nothing to see humanity at its knees.



 LEFT BRAIN: 
Or that brain. She's crazy. I've got everything under control.

RIGHT BRAIN:  You think. Just ignore me and watch the damage I can create. You ain't seen nothin' yet.

LEFT BRAIN:Oh lord. Just put your panties on and listen. I've got a plan. Or at least I've got a list.

RIGHT BRAIN:  See? See? See how you always dismiss me and my feelings. You - you lazy schoolmarm. Why did you let it get this way?

LEFT BRAIN:  (Pauses and then sighs) You're right. I have been lazy about making a plan to get us through the next year or so. But that's partly because you've been so depressed and frightened. I've been too busy looking for reasons you shouldn't be so scared  ... like what Martha Beck said this morning ...

Living fully requires a return to the looseness that predates our first breath to an untroubled trust that we are supported by a universe that has no interest in hurting us, only in teaching us to dance.

~ O, The Oprah Magazine, July 2015 Martha Beck ~

RIGHT BRAIN:  Oh. Yeah. I forgot about that

LEFT BRAIN:Right. "Oh yeah." and remember that mantra "That may be true, but not for me" from Esther Hicks?  About how to feel when ... ya know ... Apocalypse feels like it's Now?

RIGHT BRAIN:  Yeah. I remember. I even tried some but it wasn't enough. I needed more.

LEFT BRAIN:Well, I knew that. That's why I was looking for more soothing mantras and reminders. Instead of making a plan.

RIGHT BRAIN:  And also because you're lazy.

LEFT BRAIN:LOL. I am. I know it. Especially because ThisPlan is all about the BigEnd and you know neither of us gets any reward from completion. We're E.N.F.P. and we're look-a-bird people. 

RIGHT BRAIN:  (smiling) Yeah. we are. and it's true - this week we've gotten a lot of scary things done and I'm not quite so sure there is a zombie outside the door. 

LEFT BRAIN: Nope. No zombies. Just patterns. Habits and knee jerk reactions to stress - things we ought to have recognized sooner. 

RIGHT BRAIN: Patterns?

LEFT BRAIN:yeah - Like in Mike Byster's book  -
   just, not number patterns but a way of responding to stress we have that isn't useful. 

RIGHT BRAIN: You mean the way I respond.

LEFT BRAIN:Well, yeah, But we're all in this one. You might have the impulse but I'm the one that starts listing all the ways we've been put upon. When we go out and put a lot of that stuff on ourselves. 

RIGHT BRAIN: We did?

LEFT BRAIN:Yes. you too - onancounta you are all the time feeling "I can do that" and "I should do that" and I can fix it and I can take care of that and you know - I, me, me, I

RIGHT BRAIN: Oh. Hmm. Makes me sound sort of stupid doesn't it?

LEFT BRAIN:Eh. No point in name calling - it wouldn't really be true, now would it?

RIGHT BRAIN: Uhm. No. And besides, my feelings are legit.

LEFT BRAIN:Legit, yes, as in, they're real, but are they the right feelings at the right time? I mean ... do you really think ______ and ______ and _____ are wanting to torment us? Crush us? 

RIGHT BRAIN: Sometimes.

LEFT BRAIN:Really?  

RIGHT BRAIN: We ullll.. It FEELS that way.

LEFT BRAIN: But can you see any other way that crushing behavior could be explained? 

RIGHT BRAIN: As in - somebody we know and love might be scared because we're withdrawing 'cause we just have so dang much to do?

LEFT BRAIN:Yup.

RIGHT BRAIN: It's a pattern isn't it?

LEFT BRAIN:Do you remember? Do you remember the last time we had a massively giNORMOUS project to complete? And how we felt? and how we behaved?

RIGHT BRAIN: Yeah - and I've felt guilty about that ever since. 

LEFT BRAIN:Right. So - let's not do that again. Let's not withdraw again.

RIGHT BRAIN: So do we you have a plan yet?  Other than not withdrawing?

LEFT BRAIN:Well. Hmm. No. But I do have a sort of list of Things To Do with dates on them.

RIGHT BRAIN: Yeah, but here it is Friday and I feel like that list is not complete.

LEFT BRAIN: It's not

RIGHT BRAIN: So ... can we get it done?

LEFT BRAIN:I don't know. 

RIGHT BRAIN: AIIIEEEEE

LEFT BRAIN:Stop that. Nobody knows. all we can do is try.

RIGHT BRAIN: (swallowing back a scream) gulp. Okay.

LEFT BRAIN:right. Okay. But here's a mini plan for the weekend. Let's take TheNotebook home with us and make a list of TTD for Monday. 

RIGHT BRAIN: Okay

LEFT BRAIN:And we can work on the bigger TTD for June as well.

RIGHT BRAIN: Okay.

LEFT BRAIN:And we can worry about July's TTD list ... Oh - I've got it - Next weekend. 

RIGHT BRAIN: Alright. I'm good with that. 

LEFT BRAIN:so is there anything else you'd like to do - anything else that would make you feel better?

RIGHT BRAIN: Uhm. Maybe. All these TTD lists and stuff - they're all WERK. Where is my play. And my ART?

LEFT BRAIN:Well - what sort of art would make you feel happy?

RIGHT BRAIN: Tablecloths. I want to sew tablecloths. and napkins. to go with the new dishes.

LEFT BRAIN:Okay. When? This weekend?


RIGHT BRAIN: Uhm. No. No. I want to do them on Friday. Next Friday. When everone's gone and the house is clean and it's perfect.

LEFT BRAIN:LOL! It's never going to be perfect, but I know what you mean. Okay. I promise. Next Friday we get out all that cloth and the sewing machine and make tablecloths.

RIGHT BRAIN: And can we design the new closet?

LEFT BRAIN:Of course. We can start doing that this weekend. 

RIGHT BRAIN: Oh. Goodie. That's really going to be something, isn't it. It'll be worth having a construction crew all over the house this summer to get that.

LEFT BRAIN:I think so too.

RIGHT BRAIN: Okay. Then I'm good. I'm still a little scared, but I'm good.

LEFT BRAIN:That's probably about as good as an E.N.F.P. is ever going to feel when she's working on a big closure project. 

RIGHT BRAIN: (chuckles) Yeah, a Big Bird Project.

LEFT BRAIN:(laughs) Okay. Then let's get out of here. What do you want for dinner?

RIGHT BRAIN: Chicken!

LEFT BRAIN:Done!


Okay - it sounds like TheBrains have the beginnings of a plan. And we all sure feel more relaxed this Friday than we did last Friday. I guess that's about as good as we can make it right now. 

November's 12 for 12

And so the year slips into November, drawing the covers up around its shoulders as it prepares to go to sleep for the winter. It's also time to add the next to the last habit to my days and to look back a bit and asses how well those other habits have been integrated into my life.

There are only 2 habits left and for November I choose: 

Clean the kitchen every night.

This is an easy one for me to integrate because .... way last winter when I selected these 12 habits I started cleaning the kitchen every night. As I wrote back then, 

I am a morning person and am often really tired at night. It's easy to get up at 5 and clean the kitchen - but seeing a dirty kitchen first thing in the morning starts my day off with a tiny bit of ugliness. How about starting it off with something pretty instead?

As soon as I'd written those words, though, I realized that it would be easy to just start doing this right away and now it's already a habit.And I was right. It's nice to walk into a spanking clean (at least as spanking clean as I can get it) kitchen and start making the morning coffee. There have been evenings when I've walked through the kitchen and thought "I'm too tired" but then the habit would pinch and I'd  spend the few minutes to tidy things up. That is what a habit is for. 

As I move into the holiday cooking time, it will be good to already be in the habit of cleaning up after myself. I expect it will make this stretch of time go much more smoothly.

As for the rest of my good habits - I must begin with a caveat. October has been a difficult month in spite of the many lovely events and pleasures that dotted the weeks. First off there is An Issue that needed to be dealt with - something I've dreaded - and, though I put on my big girl panties at last and peeled back the curtain, I was only able to let in some cleansing sunshine. It's better - but it's not done yet - and, alas, may never be done with - which is part of why this is such a difficult situation. Like humidity in the summer, this is something that will always have to be factored into the equation.

Also, we've been short staffed at work due to illness, making the work days feel sooooo long. In addition, I'm facing a huge staffing rearrangement - the consequence of time, as a senior staffer is retiring. I have been dreading and grieving over the shake-up because this particular team has worked so beautifully these past few years. Even though I can see wonderful developments arising from the staff alignment that's moving into place - I hate to see something old, successful and precious come to an end. Oh Yes. Then there was the storm. Yeah. Dread + Stress + Mild Grief = Difficult Month. 

So I am cutting myself some serious slack on the habit forming stuff. Still, it is better to know how I've done before it all becomes a blur and I lose all the ground I've made this year

Food Tracking

I have done so poorly at this I should give myself an F. Looking back at my track records I see I only tracked daily for one week. After that - once I had 'blown' it for the week ...usually by Saturday ... I just quit. Yes there was the 1200 calorie cheesecake (of which I ate only 1/2) and yes there was the wedding and the anniversary and the convention. Okay. So why am I so afraid to look at myself when I'm not being perfect? I think there is a serious SERIOUS issue here with self delusion. I want to see me as being a Good Girl and Not Making Mistakes and Knowing Better ... and a tracker that says I ate enough to feed a football team won't let me see that. But if I did eat that much, gosh - what's the point in saying "I did not write it down, so maybe I didn't really eat it" ... Like those jokes about Southern Virgins we told in the '60's. "I didn't get caught so I didn't do it..."

hmmm. 

I think I need to come to peace with myself about what food and eating is all about and perhaps about why I am bothering to care about tracking and what I weigh and how I look and the entire body thing. I do care. I care because I want to be healthy. I care because I want to look good. But unfortunately I also care because I want to be a Good Girl but I want the food that makes me feel like a Bad Girl.

There's a focus on the wrong things and I am going to have to do some serious thinking, some deep soul searching, and realign the focus onto the positive issues. In fact - I need to get comfortable seeing me overeat - because I promise you, when I overeat I refuse to acknowledge it till later - in short - I won't look at me doing something I think I should not do ... even if I do it. I need to get comfortable looking at all of me if I ever want to get along with all of me - instead of getting blindsided by the chocolate-candy-eating me. It's time for the Left Brain School Marm to have a little chat with the Right Brain Wild Child and see if they can start working together again. 

And so, even if my actual tracking activity earned such a low grade - the fact that I have explored what was going on before November got into full swing earns me a low, but passing grade this month - a D+ 

Exercising

All the traveling I did this month interrupted my beloved weekly schedule and I missed weight training several times - but I got in lots of other activity - frequently deliberately substituted for the tried and true. I will give myself a B+ 

Drink 6-8 cups of water every day

Eh. sometimes yes, too often not - but enough to earn a C 

The Charles Schwab list at work

I couldn't have made it through the month without that. There were a few days when I forgot and it just made things SO bad that I could not really function. It earns a B+ 

Read my 5-year play every morning week

Which I did till last week and this - and I will blame that on travel and hurricanes and give myself a C

Compliment someone on my staff every day

Every Day? hmmm. Perhaps 3 times a week. I wonder if every day is impractical and yet I fear if I don't hold on to the daily intention I will drift into forgetfulness. I will have to ponder this question. But ... I grade myself with another C 

Draw 20 minutes a day. I will never get any better if I don't practice every day

Surprisingly - I've kept up with this fairly well. I am not drawing every day because I am painting some too - and working on a 'project'  that has kept my art supplies spread out on the dining room table all month. This has earned me an A-

Select a big life goal - a big personal thing - and take one step towards it ... every day.

Okay - this is a tricky bit. If I want to be fit and slim and healthy and to develop my artistic skills ... all specific Previously Mentioned Habits and I do something towards even one of those Previously Mentioned Habits, then ... have I also fulfilled This Habit? Uh. The operative word is Select because if it's a habit did I select it? Well. My intention when I wrote these habits was to be conscious of my efforts and deliberate, not just lucky. In light of the Other Challenges of this month I will give myself a C

Ditto at work - Same issue - same grade C

Pray. 

You can be sure I have done one heck-uva-lotta praying this month - praying for courage, praying for wisdom, praying for the storm to miss us - but not the daily thing I should have done and again - not the deliberate and scheduled way I intended when I first plotted out this scheme of habit forming behavior. But though I did not pray at scheduled times, my prayers were not just the plea for pleasure selfish ones.  There was enough of the true prayer this month to justify a grade of B+  

Freaky Friday

Friday, Mar 30th, 2012 -- Our emotions run so strong and deep today that we hesitate to share them, even with loved ones. The sensitive Cancer Moon encourages us to hide any vulnerability behind our hard crab-like shells. We're well protected, but we're still probably worried about what we should do if we become overwhelmed by changing circumstances. Meanwhile, the Moon harshly aspects the Sun, erratic Uranus and intense Pluto, prompting us to doubt our own feelings. 

Yeah. That's pretty much where I am today. This same astrologer offers this Virgo-specific advice for dealing with a world pretty much overwhelmed by changing circumstances: Thankfully, you can lighten the energy by moving beyond logic. Analysis could become a trap; shift from language into imaginative symbols to find a solution to your current dilemma

What I do

Hope

Little acorn/mighty oak

Sucked into the vortex 

What I promote

Worry wort

Worryless Wort

Free at last

Starlight steerer