Where is TheQueen?

Oh la - here it is almost September and I haven't blogged in a month! and that last blog was just sop to clean up after the grief spill of June.  Of course, admission of grief doesn't make it suddenly disappear. Like any other overwhelming human condition - weight issues, alcohol addiction  -  the acknowledgement of something is just that first step. You still gotta take those fortylevendyhundred next ones. And while a year is just a human construct, as I close in on the anniversary of Mama's death there is a tension that scratches away at the inside of my skin, coloring everything else I do - even the deliriously happy stuff, like TheReunion, which swept us all up in the Joy of Hugging.

 That's just her wordy way of saying we're still hurting ...

 Yes, loquacity often conceals painful emotions beneath a blanket of presumed erudition ...

Like I said - we're better, not all fixed

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  Oh - well. TheBrains want to have their chance at the mike too  ... speak up, then.

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I want to go shopping

 Stop that - we've spent enough already this summer

Shopping!! Art supplies. I want silver wire!

 Pay her no mind. She knows we're going shopping one day this week and she'll get her silver wire. We are making a gift for someone special

A pendant of Blue Agate encased in sliver wire! It will be gorgeous!  We'll take photos won't we?

 Yes of course we will. We are talking about grief and how it can cast a miasma of grey color over even the most joyful events

Oh yeah? what joyful events did we ruin? You're becoming weird. It's as if you want to keep on feeling sad. Of course we feel grief but it feels like you're making a - a - a RITUAL out of it!

 Rituals are important in human society

You say so.  But we're not talking about society. We're talking about Bess! Mama wouldn't have wanted us to mope around all the time.

  We aren't moping around all the time - But we are closing in on that anniversary of her death and I, for one, am uncomfortable about it. I think it has a looming aspect to it.

>Yeah - I know but you can't make it not close in ...

  That's a thoughtful thing for a feeler like you to say

 well, you're the one who picked off the scab - I just want to go shopping

 wounds exposed to the air heal faster

Gawd - we sound like a book of cliches

 LOL - well - so we do. so why haven't we blogged all summer long?

 For one thing, we had company for 2 weeks.

that's true - blogging requires time and privacy.

and in July, I think we really were pretty sad.
I sure didn't feel like spilling my guts all over the place.

   Yes. I think that would have been pretty gloomy - and besides, don't you find that when we say we're unhappy we FEEL unhappy.

Absolutely! so stop talking about how we feel and take me shopping.

 You nut.

LOL  yup.

  So what about the weight loss? Why are we still playing around with those 5 lbs?

 Oh gawd - that!

 If I remember correctly, the moment we were at goal in July you grabbed the steering wheel and drove us to the ice cream store.

(silence)

  Isn't that so? and Fudge? didn't you buy fudge?

(continued silence)

 Well?

so. so what if I did. I wanted all those things we'd been denying while we clawed our way back to goal.  I promised myself! I swore I'd have that cappuccino crunch once we saw 150 again.

 Well - we sure did. Was it worth it?

(thinks a moment)  Uhmmmmm well. Well, yes, sort of. Like - I'm glad we did it once but I don't want to do it again.

 Why not?

I'm not sure ... but it felt more like a last fling. Like the way we got back to happy weight in June was ... mean. restrictive, antagonistical.

 Don't you want to be at our happy weight?

Oh yes yes. I do but ... I want it in a different way. I want it to be ... gentler - sweeter - more giving and less denying.

 As in - you want to walk towards something, not run away from something?

YES! exactly ..  I want to .. gosh. You know what I want? I want a world where all the choices are nutritious and good for you and the servings are normal sized, not super sized.  I want to change how I feel when I look at a blueberry donut ... well. I've actually already changed that one but it's as if for every good food, for every fattening item, I have to build a completely new relationship with it

 I understand. And it's true - we are bombarded by oooey gooey foods that offer us nothing in return

Like bad boyfriends!

 Exactly!  but you know - all those things are external. They don't have to mean anything to us.

Sigh. I know and lots of times they don't but then I'll see that bag of cheetos....

Hmmm. well. Well, we'll have to work on it.  How would you like to try something new. something like Whole30?

ACK! No! No no no.

 Oh. well. Sorry - I had no idea you'd feel that strongly.

(panting) sorry - that really scared me. zero grain products?

 I think so. I forget what the book said ... I'm just thinking that I've heard a lot of good things about it ....

I still feel like Rat Prison ... or whatever Martha Beck called it

  Well - no prisons for us, my dear. I'm just thinking.  How would you feel if I read the book again?

go ahead. reading doesn't scare me. giving up grains does.

 Well - I'll check the library today then.  But I promise - it's just a reconnaissance mission. Not a strategic plan. Just gathering information.

Okay. I'm good with that. And the shopping?

 LOL alright - maybe today or maybe Wednesday but this week for sure.

Yippeeee!


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Huh. Well. At least it's shopping to a purpose and we have to have that gift ready soon so my RightBrain isn't completely profligate. Obviously TheBrains are in flux, working towards some solutions to Life's Problems but not there yet. I say - let's leave them to it and I'm sure they'll be back, ready to blog again, soon.

Almost All Fixed

When I last posted here I believe I was wallowing in the blues and I believe there was Cappuccino Crunch involved. The trouble with blogging on a Sunday morning is that there's time to really throw a literary pity party. An itty bitty pity party can be good for the soul - I am sure - but full out wallowing with Cappuccino Crunch is probably not a great idea. And in fact, I am much better.






I'm not all fixed. But I'm almost all fixed.

It was good to identify the source of the sloth and the root of my defensiveness. I'm sure that not everyone I know was out to blame me for the troubles of the world - (God I hope not) -it just felt like that. I'm still not being very creative and there is still too much ice cream in my life but honestly - I am better.


And there was some outdoor play. And there was some camera play too. And a lovely party to celebrate BH's birthday. And there will be time with friends tomorrow. So I have a pretty nice bucket of joy in the making.

And there is time.  Time for missing Mama - and a time to just miss her. There is time to examine what is going on to see if I need to be so defensive. There is time to feel the love that's washing over me. And there will be a time when I am creative again. Just know - TheQueen is Almost All Fixed.

Grieving Still

 I saw it coming - or rather - in hindsight I see when it started coming.  First I stopped making things. That should be - from now on will be - a harbinger of TheBlackCloudOfGrief. With half my brains in my fingertips, whenever they don't have anything to do - whenever I don't want to do anything manipulatively creative, I need to take a look inside and see what's bugging me - and maybe see if I can treat the sadness by being kind to myself.

Sometime in the spring I put down the sweater that I am 2 inches away from completing. I often don't finish things because, hey - ENFP - no interest in completion anyway. Often that little math puzzle of the decrease at the neckline can be enough to put me off my game - to trigger Startitis.   The trouble is - I didn't start anything new. I just ... stopped.

If half my brains are in my fingertips it's not surprising that what they have to say tends to spew onto the page - in forums, diaries, blog posts - but the silence was masked by the ordinary chatter of day to day living. The well of creative conversation was drying up and it was only now and then, when I was asked "what do you think?" and I had no answer - or when I thought "I ought to blog about that" and then sighed and felt it was all too much trouble -  that I began to grow suspicious.

And then the drawing. Or - the lack of drawing. Even when my little cousin came for a week and I still didn't feel the love of pen or pencil. Oh - I got out all the toys - but ... that rush of creativity just wasn't there. I felt a glimmer of it in Missy Foster's basket class in June - but that flicker of thought of adding New Toys to my life, while not unpleasant - or even unborn - was too feeble and too impractical at this moment - to be nurtured into real shopping therapy.  My house is already stuffed with Good Toys that I'm not using and the next few months of my social calendar are stuffed too. Nice to have a social life, I know, but it does mean there's no time for New Things.

Then came the dreaded Brat Eating. You know what that is - when you lean against the kitchen sink with the ice cream carton in one hand and a spoon in the other. When you reach for those salty crackers at 11 p.m. and say "I don't care".  When you say "just for this morning I'm going to put butter on that."  That Brat Eating has brought on the Scale Failure that I experienced this morning. It was not a pretty sight.

It was yesterday afternoon's Kitchen Sink Ice Cream Sundae that smacked me up-side the head, but it was a brief conversation with a friend who'd lost his son a few weeks ago that scraped the film off the window into my heart. I began by commiserating and asking tender questions but it ended up with me vomiting out my own pain. Fortunately it was just a bit at the end - at least - I hope I didn't turn the conversation into something completely All About Me - but oh wow. That's when I realized that pretty soon I won't be able to say "a year ago Mama and I ...." We're coming up on the anniversary of her death and it's quaking inside me. It hurts so bad. The future looks so bleak - no wonder I don't care how fat I get and besides, Mama and I both loved ice cream so much. I can see her still, with a bowl of it in her hand, sitting in her rocker and promising the universe that "you see - I didn't eat any breakfast and I won't eat any lunch so it's alright to eat this ice cream - and it's just a little slice of cake".

Well. Mama was a cutie and a nut and riddled with self deceptive tricks. Besides - I didn't care if she ate badly - and for goodness sake - she lived till she was 91 years old. What more do you want? What more do I want?

Huh. I'll tell you what I want. I WANT MY MAMA!

I have lost loved ones before. I miss them terribly but the missing is a sweet act in itself. When I have that ache for my mother-in-law I also have a rush of joy filled memories. She too, could be exasperating and say the goofiest untruths - and I thought they were cute too. And Pop - my father in law - oh my - I knew him for such a short time and yet his impact on me was so profound - so lasting. Then there's Daddy! I miss him too - but mostly I miss the entertainment factor and my goodness - he left that behind, because there's always another story about Daddy - one for every social opportunity - every need for comic relief - every time I need to remember that it could be worse.

But this missing Mama.

Sigh.

Okay. So it's been eating away at me. It's grief. I am grieving still and even if you think it - you better not say "Get a life". This fleeing from grief that is the new societal more is just crap. It's a denial of everything that makes having a life worth living. I am still grieving and by golly I'll grieve till I'm done with it. And I'll cut myself a little slack about the Kitchen Sink Ice Cream binge but I think now that I know what's going on I can maybe do something else that's as indulgent as ... you know ... Cappuccino Crunch.

I know there is joy up ahead. Pardon me while I wallow a little bit longer.

STAYcation 15

We did that on Sunday - we caught the Jamestown Ferry - part of VDOT's dwindling ferry system. I believe they only operate 2 other little ferries, both of them in the Northern Neck. There is Hatton Ferry, a historic polled ferry outside of Charlottesville that operates in the summer and you can get to Maryland on White's Ferry and you can take a roundabout way onto the NC Outer Banks via the Knott's Landing Ferry.  Isn't it funny that the 2 that are closest to me I've never taken. The Jamestown Ferry is by far the most fun one because it takes you across such wide water, gives you great views of  the boats at Jamestown Settlement, Jamestown Island, with it's old brick church and of course because all those gulls and cormorants hang around hoping  you'll toss them something to eat. When I know ahead of time that I'll be taking the ferry I buy a loaf of bread and feed them. When it's an unexpected delight I content myself with the camera's joys.

Some camera joys:








I'm indulging in a Staycation this week, hurriedly planned when I realized that I was going to werk and sitting like a lump instead of actually werking. I needed a break and I needed it badly - and there was only this one week in my summer schedule when I could indulge. So here I am, at home, with nothing much on the calendar but kayaks, cameras and naps. And rain. Which I will get to in a moment.

First I want to explain to you exactly where Eco Discovery Park is - because goodness it's hard to find - especially if you don't know that is what you should be looking for. That is where you can rent a bicycle to ride the Virginia Capital Trail - a delightful meander along Rt. 5 between Jamestown and Charles City Courthouse ... with a little bit in Richmond at the end. The intervening segment is under construction with the intention of linking all three Virginia capital cities sometime at the end of this summer.

TheQueen does not own a bike. Or rather, she doesn't own a functioning bike and she's not all that sure she wants one. Biking around here is not so interesting - it's something that requires a CAR and ... somehow that just doesn't seem like biking. Not that I would never buy a bike. But I am unlikely to do so. Maybe. I don't know. What I do know is that I love getting on a wide seated bicycle and tooling along flat terrain just to see what I can see. See things like wildlife, wild rivers... er... placid ones, anyway, and beautiful VA scenery. Oh la and remind me to never again let ThePrince take my picture!

Whenever we have taken these bike trips, though, we get all excited about buying our own bikes. We shop on-line. I even went to 2 Richmond bike shops yesterday while doing some city errands. Then we talk ourselves back out of buying slightly pricey toys that we know we won't use at home. So far, we've been able to rent bikes at the trails we've ridden and sound money management would lead us to continue to do so. I'm just not sure owning something I have to load onto a car before I can really enjoy it is a smart, or even an  honest thing to do. 

But these trails - oh my. 2 for 2 right now - they are wonderful fun ways to spend a day off. I'm thinking that it would be fun to ride on all of them - at least, all of the rural ones. I'm particularly interested in the ones out in southwest VA. And if I really did set a goal to ride all what? 300 miles of bike paths ... maybe my own bike would be worth the investment. We'll just have to see. Goal setting isn't my thing. Not that I don't do it - but it always depresses me. I mean - so what? You reach your goal of riding all the trails and then quit? Repeat? go find some OtherGoal? Me? TheQueen? The queen of ENFPs? I don't think so. LOL. I'm already talking myself out of it. 

So this is what the weather dot com guys are offering me for the rest of the week. No sunny days till Saturday. Isn't that a bummer? Mind now - I'm glad for the rain. I'm ALWAYS glad for rain in June, July and August. But. Rats.

 And funerals. I had planned to hook up with Sister tomorrow but there is a funeral I would go to. We were going to visit Louis Ginter Botanical Gardens but now there is likely to be rain we might change the venue and maybe even the date.

Plans just change. That's the beauty of a STAYcation - no big deal - no real plans - just ... whatever. And naps.

Naps are for those of us who see sleep as a recreational activity. Not quite as invigorating as kayaking but certainly as healing. When I am retired - I shall not wear a red hat and a purple dress (and look like all the other old ladies). I shall NAP.

And I will be back later in the week with a report of OtherThings. 

Missing Mama on Mother's Day

Mama and me 

Last Monday I had another of those heart clutching moments that turned my expression sour - as I realized I won't get to celebrate Mother's Day with Mama this year. It's funny how this whole process of grieving for Mama is so full of grouchy anger. You'd think I'd be sad. Instead I'm ticked off at TheUniverse-and-TheWayThingsAre. Grrrrr. Fortunately, God has broad shoulders and  He understands that we all grieve in our own ways. If I didn't know Mama and I would be together some day I would probably be sad instead of mad.

Here at TheCastle we don't really "do" Mother's Day. For almost all of the early years we were too poor to celebrate with stuff and there were other dynamics that prevented us from celebrating in less costly ways. I assured LD that it was just a Halmark Card Holiday and he wasn't to feel compelled to "do" anything. But heck. We didn't "do" Valentine's day either. Lordy - either we really were poor as church mice or I had no confidence in ThePrince - a man who's sentimentality is almost completely self focused - either remembering the day or devising a suitable response.  (probably a little bit of both) It was just easier to have no expectations than to have them crushed.

I know better now and just remind ThePrince that Valentine's day is coming and a poem on a heart is required. In return he gets steak-in-the-kitchen - which we both thoroughly enjoy.

But for Mama. Ahh. That was different. In fact, I lavished special things on both mamas in May because I loved my mother in law  second only to my own dear Mama. She has been gone so long the pinch and the grouchiness has abated but this is the first year in a long time that I haven't gone to spend time with my sweet little mother and oh my goodness how I wish I had one more opportunity. But now I think of it - neither of those women were very sentimental either. Mama always smiled gently at us when we presented our grubby little wild flower bouquets. We wheedled Daddy to drive into town to the drugstore to buy Whitman's Samplers. He always said "She's not my mother. Why should I buy her anything?" But we knew, even then, that he was the sentimental one and had planned all along to take us shopping for a Mother's Day gift. He even paid for everything instead of making us use our allowances. No. The real story is that he was the one who'd be hurt if we were lax or forgot - either the Father's Day thing or his Valentine. So, perhaps Mama is the one who influenced me about not getting all caught up in the gift giving guilt thing. Good thing, too, since ThePrince and I really did live on a shoestring for that first decade.

Besides - I honored Mama every day. I have never liked to talk on the telephone - not even when I was a teen. But I could talk to her every day on the phone and often did. In those early years when we didn't have a telephone, I wrote her letters. I have a box of them now, that she saved and I collected when we emptied her house out 8 years ago.  I shared things with her regularly. She knew about every joy and every triumph and I was careful to shield her from any bad news because I knew how sharply my pain pricked her. Yet if it was important I would share because she was the only one who could soothe. There really never was a Mother's Day for us - not even a Mother's 365 Day. For us, the love, the honor, the devotion was constant. I was deeply blessed by a mother who loved me and it's something that strengthens my spine and shields my tender heart every single day.

So this year, like all the other First Time Without Mama things, Mother's Day will come and pinch my heart and then go. It is just The Way Things Are.