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Monday, August 31, 2015

Where is TheQueen?

Oh la - here it is almost September and I haven't blogged in a month! and that last blog was just sop to clean up after the grief spill of June.  Of course, admission of grief doesn't make it suddenly disappear. Like any other overwhelming human condition - weight issues, alcohol addiction  -  the acknowledgement of something is just that first step. You still gotta take those fortylevendyhundred next ones. And while a year is just a human construct, as I close in on the anniversary of Mama's death there is a tension that scratches away at the inside of my skin, coloring everything else I do - even the deliriously happy stuff, like TheReunion, which swept us all up in the Joy of Hugging.

 emoticonThat's just her wordy way of saying we're still hurting ...

emoticon Yes, loquacity often conceals painful emotions beneath a blanket of presumed erudition ...

emoticonLike I said - we're better, not all fixed

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  Oh - well. TheBrains want to have their chance at the mike too  ... speak up, then.

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emoticonI want to go shopping

emoticon Stop that - we've spent enough already this summer

emoticonShopping!! Art supplies. I want silver wire!

emoticon Pay her no mind. She knows we're going shopping one day this week and she'll get her silver wire. We are making a gift for someone special

emoticonA pendant of Blue Agate encased in sliver wire! It will be gorgeous!  We'll take photos won't we?

emoticon Yes of course we will. We are talking about grief and how it can cast a miasma of grey color over even the most joyful events

emoticonOh yeah? what joyful events did we ruin? You're becoming weird. It's as if you want to keep on feeling sad. Of course we feel grief but it feels like you're making a - a - a RITUAL out of it!

emoticon Rituals are important in human society

emoticonYou say so.  But we're not talking about society. We're talking about Bess! Mama wouldn't have wanted us to mope around all the time.

emoticon  We aren't moping around all the time - But we are closing in on that anniversary of her death and I, for one, am uncomfortable about it. I think it has a looming aspect to it.

emoticon>Yeah - I know but you can't make it not close in ...

 emoticon That's a thoughtful thing for a feeler like you to say

 emoticonwell, you're the one who picked off the scab - I just want to go shopping

emoticon wounds exposed to the air heal faster

emoticonGawd - we sound like a book of cliches

emoticon LOL - well - so we do. so why haven't we blogged all summer long?

 emoticonFor one thing, we had company for 2 weeks.

emoticonthat's true - blogging requires time and privacy.

emoticonand in July, I think we really were pretty sad.
I sure didn't feel like spilling my guts all over the place.

  emoticon Yes. I think that would have been pretty gloomy - and besides, don't you find that when we say we're unhappy we FEEL unhappy.

emoticonAbsolutely! so stop talking about how we feel and take me shopping.

emoticon You nut.

emoticonLOL  yup.

 emoticon So what about the weight loss? Why are we still playing around with those 5 lbs?

emoticon Oh gawd - that!

 emoticonIf I remember correctly, the moment we were at goal in July you grabbed the steering wheel and drove us to the ice cream store.


 emoticon Isn't that so? and Fudge? didn't you buy fudge?

emoticon(continued silence)

emoticon Well?

emoticonso. so what if I did. I wanted all those things we'd been denying while we clawed our way back to goal.  I promised myself! I swore I'd have that cappuccino crunch once we saw 150 again.

emoticon Well - we sure did. Was it worth it?

emoticon(thinks a moment)  Uhmmmmm well. Well, yes, sort of. Like - I'm glad we did it once but I don't want to do it again.

emoticon Why not?

emoticonI'm not sure ... but it felt more like a last fling. Like the way we got back to happy weight in June was ... mean. restrictive, antagonistical.

emoticon Don't you want to be at our happy weight?

emoticonOh yes yes. I do but ... I want it in a different way. I want it to be ... gentler - sweeter - more giving and less denying.

emoticon As in - you want to walk towards something, not run away from something?

emoticonYES! exactly ..  I want to .. gosh. You know what I want? I want a world where all the choices are nutritious and good for you and the servings are normal sized, not super sized.  I want to change how I feel when I look at a blueberry donut ... well. I've actually already changed that one but it's as if for every good food, for every fattening item, I have to build a completely new relationship with it

emoticon I understand. And it's true - we are bombarded by oooey gooey foods that offer us nothing in return

emoticonLike bad boyfriends!

emoticon Exactly!  but you know - all those things are external. They don't have to mean anything to us.

emoticonSigh. I know and lots of times they don't but then I'll see that bag of cheetos....

emoticonHmmm. well. Well, we'll have to work on it.  How would you like to try something new. something like Whole30?

emoticonACK! No! No no no.

emoticon Oh. well. Sorry - I had no idea you'd feel that strongly.

emoticon(panting) sorry - that really scared me. zero grain products?

emoticon I think so. I forget what the book said ... I'm just thinking that I've heard a lot of good things about it ....

emoticonI still feel like Rat Prison ... or whatever Martha Beck called it

 emoticon Well - no prisons for us, my dear. I'm just thinking.  How would you feel if I read the book again?

emoticongo ahead. reading doesn't scare me. giving up grains does.

emoticon Well - I'll check the library today then.  But I promise - it's just a reconnaissance mission. Not a strategic plan. Just gathering information.

emoticonOkay. I'm good with that. And the shopping?

emoticon LOL alright - maybe today or maybe Wednesday but this week for sure.


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Huh. Well. At least it's shopping to a purpose and we have to have that gift ready soon so my RightBrain isn't completely profligate. Obviously TheBrains are in flux, working towards some solutions to Life's Problems but not there yet. I say - let's leave them to it and I'm sure they'll be back, ready to blog again, soon.

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