At least, I hope it does. Memorial Day weekend I had a mini meltdown and that sort of spilled over into the greater household. A tough week followed and last weekend wasn't really any easier. I felt like a Hank Williams song.
Even when the pressure began to lessen as this week progressed I still found myself channeling my Inner Mr. Darcy - who, to quote Miss Elizabeth Bennet was "of an unsocial, taciturn disposition, unwilling to speak, unless we expect to say something that will amaze the whole room, and be handed down to posterity with all the eclat of a proverb.”
Whence my continued bloglessness.
And as I've tried to work my way through this without, you know, weeping in my cereal or at county meetings, I've suddenly realized that, while I have some legitimate issues stressing me out - most of which are not fare for public consumption - the habit of trying to make Everything Come Out Alright has prompted me to pick up burdens that aren't even mine and toss them onto my back.
As if I've been gathering party favors for a Pity Party.
I think it's time for a pow wow with TheBrains. So you two ... what's going on?
RIGHT BRAIN: Ahh Ahh Ahh TheBudget! TheElections! TheCommittee! TheBook! SummerReading! TheBoard! TheHusband! FatFatFat! AIIEEEEE! It's all going to crash down into a conflagration and anyone who survives will be living in
After the world is left devastated by a vampire pandemic in Jim Mickle's impressive low-budget post-apocalyptic thriller, the survivors are forced to wander a devastated US landscape dodging religious fantastics and bloodthirsty monsters who will stop at nothing to see humanity at its knees.
Or that brain. She's crazy. I've got everything under control.
RIGHT BRAIN: You think. Just ignore me and watch the damage I can create. You ain't seen nothin' yet.
LEFT BRAIN:Oh lord. Just put your panties on and listen. I've got a plan. Or at least I've got a list.
RIGHT BRAIN: See? See? See how you always dismiss me and my feelings. You - you lazy schoolmarm. Why did you let it get this way?
LEFT BRAIN: (Pauses and then sighs) You're right. I have been lazy about making a plan to get us through the next year or so. But that's partly because you've been so depressed and frightened. I've been too busy looking for reasons you shouldn't be so scared ... like what Martha Beck said this morning ...
Living fully requires a return to the looseness that predates our first breath to an untroubled trust that we are supported by a universe that has no interest in hurting us, only in teaching us to dance.
~ O, The Oprah Magazine, July 2015 Martha Beck ~
RIGHT BRAIN: Oh. Yeah. I forgot about that
LEFT BRAIN:Right. "Oh yeah." and remember that mantra "That may be true, but not for me" from Esther Hicks? About how to feel when ... ya know ... Apocalypse feels like it's Now?
RIGHT BRAIN: Yeah. I remember. I even tried some but it wasn't enough. I needed more.
LEFT BRAIN:Well, I knew that. That's why I was looking for more soothing mantras and reminders. Instead of making a plan.
RIGHT BRAIN: And also because you're lazy.
LEFT BRAIN:LOL. I am. I know it. Especially because ThisPlan is all about the BigEnd and you know neither of us gets any reward from completion. We're E.N.F.P. and we're look-a-bird people.
RIGHT BRAIN: (smiling) Yeah. we are. and it's true - this week we've gotten a lot of scary things done and I'm not quite so sure there is a zombie outside the door.
LEFT BRAIN: Nope. No zombies. Just patterns. Habits and knee jerk reactions to stress - things we ought to have recognized sooner.
RIGHT BRAIN: Patterns?
LEFT BRAIN:yeah - Like in Mike Byster's book -
just, not number patterns but a way of responding to stress we have that isn't useful.
RIGHT BRAIN: You mean the way I respond.
LEFT BRAIN:Well, yeah, But we're all in this one. You might have the impulse but I'm the one that starts listing all the ways we've been put upon. When we go out and put a lot of that stuff on ourselves.
RIGHT BRAIN: We did?
LEFT BRAIN:Yes. you too - onancounta you are all the time feeling "I can do that" and "I should do that" and I can fix it and I can take care of that and you know - I, me, me, I
RIGHT BRAIN: Oh. Hmm. Makes me sound sort of stupid doesn't it?
LEFT BRAIN:Eh. No point in name calling - it wouldn't really be true, now would it?
RIGHT BRAIN: Uhm. No. And besides, my feelings are legit.
LEFT BRAIN:Legit, yes, as in, they're real, but are they the right feelings at the right time? I mean ... do you really think ______ and ______ and _____ are wanting to torment us? Crush us?
RIGHT BRAIN: Sometimes.
RIGHT BRAIN: We ullll.. It FEELS that way.
LEFT BRAIN: But can you see any other way that crushing behavior could be explained?
RIGHT BRAIN: As in - somebody we know and love might be scared because we're withdrawing 'cause we just have so dang much to do?
RIGHT BRAIN: It's a pattern isn't it?
LEFT BRAIN:Do you remember? Do you remember the last time we had a massively giNORMOUS project to complete? And how we felt? and how we behaved?
RIGHT BRAIN: Yeah - and I've felt guilty about that ever since.
LEFT BRAIN:Right. So - let's not do that again. Let's not withdraw again.
RIGHT BRAIN: So do we you have a plan yet? Other than not withdrawing?
LEFT BRAIN:Well. Hmm. No. But I do have a sort of list of Things To Do with dates on them.
RIGHT BRAIN: Yeah, but here it is Friday and I feel like that list is not complete.
LEFT BRAIN: It's not
RIGHT BRAIN: So ... can we get it done?
LEFT BRAIN:I don't know.
RIGHT BRAIN: AIIIEEEEE
LEFT BRAIN:Stop that. Nobody knows. all we can do is try.
RIGHT BRAIN: (swallowing back a scream) gulp. Okay.
LEFT BRAIN:right. Okay. But here's a mini plan for the weekend. Let's take TheNotebook home with us and make a list of TTD for Monday.
RIGHT BRAIN: Okay
LEFT BRAIN:And we can work on the bigger TTD for June as well.
RIGHT BRAIN: Okay.
LEFT BRAIN:And we can worry about July's TTD list ... Oh - I've got it - Next weekend.
RIGHT BRAIN: Alright. I'm good with that.
LEFT BRAIN:so is there anything else you'd like to do - anything else that would make you feel better?
RIGHT BRAIN: Uhm. Maybe. All these TTD lists and stuff - they're all WERK. Where is my play. And my ART?
LEFT BRAIN:Well - what sort of art would make you feel happy?
RIGHT BRAIN: Tablecloths. I want to sew tablecloths. and napkins. to go with the new dishes.
LEFT BRAIN:Okay. When? This weekend?
RIGHT BRAIN: Uhm. No. No. I want to do them on Friday. Next Friday. When everone's gone and the house is clean and it's perfect.
LEFT BRAIN:LOL! It's never going to be perfect, but I know what you mean. Okay. I promise. Next Friday we get out all that cloth and the sewing machine and make tablecloths.
RIGHT BRAIN: And can we design the new closet?
LEFT BRAIN:Of course. We can start doing that this weekend.
RIGHT BRAIN: Oh. Goodie. That's really going to be something, isn't it. It'll be worth having a construction crew all over the house this summer to get that.
LEFT BRAIN:I think so too.
RIGHT BRAIN: Okay. Then I'm good. I'm still a little scared, but I'm good.
LEFT BRAIN:That's probably about as good as an E.N.F.P. is ever going to feel when she's working on a big closure project.
RIGHT BRAIN: (chuckles) Yeah, a Big Bird Project.
LEFT BRAIN:(laughs) Okay. Then let's get out of here. What do you want for dinner?
RIGHT BRAIN: Chicken!
Okay - it sounds like TheBrains have the beginnings of a plan. And we all sure feel more relaxed this Friday than we did last Friday. I guess that's about as good as we can make it right now.